It's Complicated
by gsham
Summary: Detective Crail is just another cop working with Beckett's team. But her relationship with a certain detective, and his lack of relationship with his fiancée, might change that.
1. Chapter 1

I walked into my new work place, the 12th Precinct. I had a huge box of junk in my arms and I was _trying _to find Detective Beckett. Needless to say I needed help. And help came in the form of a homicide detective named Ryan. There was a little drama involved first with klutzy me running straight into him, but he was cool with it. He found my plain metal desk that was two over from his. He also pointed out Detective Beckett's and Detective Esposito's and said that I would meet them later once they got out of interrogating a suspect. He added that they had sent him out here to wait for me because they figured that Riley, the head of the other team I was working for, wouldn't think of it. That's when I figured out that I was going to be doing the boring stuff for him and his team and he would probably never speak to me again except to ask me for a list of registered sex-offenders or to take something down to the mail-room for him.

Bummer.

After my meeting with Captain Montgomery, I walked outside to find a pile of work already on my desk. I didn't care. It's what I was here for. To make sure nothing and no one fell through the cracks. So, I got started right away. Ryan came over to my desk accompanied by a pretty woman, a muscley Hispanic man, and a guy who I could tell right away wasn't a cop. Ryan introduced them as Kate Beckett, Javier Esposito, and the tag-along writer Richard Castle. Castle I had heard about; his weird relationship with Beckett was a topic of interest for everyone on the force, but I tried to hide my laughter. I shook their hands and asked if there was anything I could do for them. "No way!" Beckett protested. "We'll let you get settled in before we put you to work."

"Thanks," I said. "Riley's team's already got me up to my eyeballs in work."

"Idiot," was Esposito's reply. "Probably doesn't even notice Karpowski's gone."

I smiled and waved my hand, which I had previously learned was universal cop language for "I'm fine." Esposito, Beckett, and Castle all left, but Ryan stayed and asked if he could help me get organized. "I remember being the newbie," he said, slightly reminiscently as he took stuff a box of pens out of the larger box that I had carried in. His expression abruptly changed when he followed up with, "it sucked."

"Hasn't been to bad so far," I replied with an eye-roll as I put labels on filing cabinet drawers.

"Trust me, it gets worse," Ryan replied negatively.

I laughed and waved him off. "I'm fine, really," I protested as he tried and failed to lift the heavy box of stuff off of my desk. "Isn't there some paper-work you should be doing?"

Ryan gave a short burst of laughter before he replied, "you caught me! I've been trying to shove it off on Esposito all day."

I laughed too, then Ryan smiled and walked away. "See you later Detective Crail."


	2. Chapter 2

**This is actually a continuation of the story First Day, I changed the name, and I'm sorry if that's confusing. But, here's the next part. Sorry for the wait, but school, writer's block, and another fic that I have running at the same time slowed me down. Since I do have another story going simultaneously, this is the way I'm prioritizing: the story that gets the most reviews/story alerts gets written first. The more reviews I get the faster I post! **

**Oh, and this one's for mrsNCISbonesSUPERfan, because she's the one who made me get my act together and upload. Thanks! **

By my second week at the precinct, I fit in just fine. People trusted me to get things done quickly and well. My system was never backlogged, and if it even started getting full, they knew I would spend hours outside of my shift to get it back under control. Not only did they trust me with work, they actually started to invite me to stuff too. I got asked to go to poker night at Castle's place with Beckett and the guys, and Friday night girls' night with her and Lanie. One night she confided in me that they had never had someone from my position get this close to the team. I was honored, not insulted. I already knew my job was menial and a stepping-stone for most people who aspired to be detectives. But my station was where I wanted to be; keeping everyone on track.

At 11 o'clock on a Thursday night, I was working late to catch up on work. I glanced up and looked around, just for something to do. The precinct was practically empty, except for me and Ryan. I knew Ryan was working late for Beckett's sake, even though Kate herself was at home. I knew the connotations that the Raglen case held for her, having been filled in by Esposito when it began. When he told me, I couldn't believe it. Beckett always seemed so "with it." It didn't take much to know that she was damaged, but I never would've guessed it was her mom who had died.

The aftermath of the murder was inspiring though, especially how much Espo and Ryan took care of her. The late night that Ryan was putting in was just the tip of the iceberg. The little things they did for her were a lesson to us all in loyalty. I could feel that allegiance starting to build up in me, but definitely not as much as them…

Ryan sighed from behind his computer screen.

"No leads?" I inquired from my own desk.

"Nope," he said, letting his head droop in discouragement.

"Don't worry about it Ryan," I reassured him. "You'll find something, you always do."

"I know," he said, still hanging his head. "But I want this to be over so Beckett can move on."

"I realize that," I replied. "But you're not going to do that by stressing yourself out."

"Oh yeah, then what are _you _doing here so late Detective?" Ryan asked irritably.

I didn't need the not so subtle hints from his tone to know that he was pissed. He only called me or anyone else "Detective" if he was mad. But even though I wanted to respond, I couldn't. I didn't want to burden Ryan with my back-story, especially when he was already stressed about Beckett's. I hesitated and when I didn't reply I automatically assumed that Ryan would think he had won, but I should have guessed he wouldn't. Ryan was one of the most thoughtful and sweet guys I had ever known, especially for a cop. I shouldn't have been surprised that he would figure out what was going on in my head. He immediately apologized. "I'm sorry Crail; I was a jerk for talking to you like that." He sounded sincere too, and that broke my heart, because I knew I couldn't tell him why I didn't answer.

"If you don't mind me asking," Ryan said somewhat hesitantly. "But what _are_ you doing here so late? And don't tell me that you have a lot of work to do, because you have I've seen your list, and there are like five things on it."

I exhaled strongly, and I knew my face would echo the pain that I felt inside. I guess it did, because he quickly said "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have asked that either."

I half-smiled, but said anyway, "I'm sorry too, but I don't want to make you think about it."

Ryan nodded understandingly. The fact that he got it didn't make me feel better. I would have preferred that he just walk away! I don't want people to know that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and I sure as heck didn't want to replace Beckett as the "injured" one. This was her case not mine, and I wanted Ryan and everyone else to be focused on her, not me. This was her party, her boys, and her case. Even if it meant driving Ryan crazy, I was going to make sure that no one was worried about me.

"Are you sure?" he asked. I could tell that he didn't want to let me get away with keeping my secret.

"Positive."

"Alright," Ryan replied, turning back to his work. I knew that he wasn't going to let the matter drop there, and that he was only respecting my privacy for now. I wondered how long it would last…

The next day, I came to the precinct not knowing what to expect. I didn't know if Ryan had told Beckett, Esposito, Castle, Lanie, or all of them. Heck, I didn't even know if he had told the captain! I didn't know how to act around him. Heck, I didn't know how I wanted him to act. I knew I didn't want him to be overly considerate, or just ignore me. I wanted everything to be normal, but a) how normal does a police station ever get and b) I'd only worked there for 2 weeks, I didn't know what normal was!

I know I must have looked overly nervous for a "normal day at work" especially because Beckett asked me what was going on.

"Nothing," I said too quickly. Immediately after I spoke I realized that I shouldn't have blown it off. Beckett had accepted me into her team even though I wasn't technically on it and I was keeping her out. She'd taken down her walls for me and I'd put mine up for her.

Beckett didn't seem to mind though. I think she knew that it was something deeper than normal because she had an understanding look on her face that I wasn't sure if I liked. She smiled and took a seat at her desk.

Esposito came in with the info on the Washington Heights drug lord, and Beckett and Castle went into the Interrogation Room. I joined Esposito and Ryan to watch. I have to admit, I was caught off guard when she broke the mirror though. To be quite honest, I was a little bit freaked out. And that's not something that a cop likes to admit. I didn't come with the guys when they got Beckett to stand down. I didn't think I knew how.

After Captain Montgomery sent Castle and Beckett home, I asked him if I could end my shift early. The look he gave me when he said yes told me that he knew exactly where I was going.

When Kate opened the door to her apartment, she didn't even bother to hide her tears. There were too many of them to cover up. "Hey Crail," she said thickly.

"Hey Kate," I said softly.

"You wanna come in?" she asked, stepping outside of the doorway to let me in.

I didn't say anything, but stepped inside. She walked into the living room and I followed. Tears were still streaming down Beckett's cheeks. She collapsed on the couch, her feet stretched out, taking up all the space. I crouched next to her head, and placed my hand on hers in an attempt to comfort her.

"Kate, it's gonna be okay," I said.

"How do you know?" she asked quietly.

"Because this is Ryan and Esposito we're talking about, and when have they ever let you down?"

She was quiet, which I took as her not knowing what to say. I knew that she realized the truth of what I had said.

"They're going to find this guy, no matter what. You know that, right?" I said, continuing to reassure her.

"I know."

"I'm going to go, before Castle shows up," I said with a small smile.

She smiled too, and I was glad I had made her a tiny bit happy.

"See you later," she said.

"I'll walk myself out."

**There it is! I hope you like it! The next one should be up by the end of next weekend, if not sooner, depending on the number of reviews. Motivate me people! Oh, and let me know if there are any errors that I can fix, as well as anything I can do to make the characters more authentic. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Please consider me hunted down and killed. I'm so sorry! I feel like such a bad author, I'm not following my self-inflicted deadlines! I'm really, really sorry! **

After I left Beckett's, I headed back to the 12th. There was work that needed to be done, and it's not like I had anything else to do.

When I arrived, I found Esposito and Ryan still there and still working. After a quick look at the murder board, I sat down at my desk. Esposito turned and nodded to me then continued to stare into space. There was none of the usual banter, only layer upon layer of tension.

"Crail, we've got nothing," said Ryan. "What do you think?"

I stood up from my desk and walked over to join them. "I think that we should look into Beckett's mom's murder at the same time," I replied slowly. No one had ever asked my opinion on a case before, and I didn't really know how to respond. "I think that if we solve one, we solve another."

"Good idea, but we're already on it," Esposito said. "Let's face it, Beckett and Castle aren't going to leave this one alone, and they don't have the resources to solve Raglen's. I know Beckett has her mom's case file memorized, and even if she didn't, I think she has that info at home."

"Oh," I said. There went my idea. "What do we know about the sniper?"

"John Lockwood. Nothing, not even a parking ticket," Ryan said, his head hanging in disappointment. "It's a false identity, which means that we have no real address and now way to figure out who he really is, or why he killed Raglen."

I sat down on the edge of the desk next to Ryan. "Then I guess we're going to be here a while."

One all-nighter later, we still didn't have anything. The drugs we had found in the sniper's apartment were still being processed, and in the meantime we didn't have any leads. All we knew was that Beckett was in danger, and in all likelihood, that we were too.

That was not a very nice feeling.

On the upside, Ryan and I were too busy trying to get new info to talk about my reaction to his questions last night. I was glad that there was something we could do that would keep me from feeling embarrassed.

_I should've just told him. _

_But I couldn't have. _

_But he would've understood._

_Maybe not. _

_He deals with Beckett. _

_Yours is just as bad. _

_No it's not. _

_Yes it is. _

_No it's not! _

_Why are you making such a big deal out of this? _

Ryan interrupted the argument in my head by approaching my desk.

I greeted him with a stream of questions. "How are the drugs coming? You got anything on them?"

"Yeah," he said. "Some street seller. Uniforms are bringing him in."

"'Kay," I responded. "I hope he actually gives us something to work with."

Looking back, I don't think anyone could ever have guessed just how many events this interview would set in motion.

**Whhooo! Wasn't that full of suspense. Guess it's not very suspenseful if you've watched the episode…**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi all! I've missed you! But I spent my long weekend getting lots and lots of chapters done (instead of my homework), and now I'm ahead. So, I'll actually be posting things now. Anyway, here's chapter 4. **

I still can't believe that two hours later I was on my way to Ryan and Esposito's crime scene. Only a couple of hours before, I had watched them go into interrogation to take down a suspect!

After I ducked under the yellow tape, my eyes roved over the sea of flashing lights, searching for the ambulance that held my friends.

And that's where I found him. Sitting on the back of an ambulance, still shivering under five blankets. He was staring off into the distance like that's what he had been doing for a while.

The sound of my approaching footsteps stirred him from his trance-like state. I sat down next to him and put an arm around his shoulders in an attempt to get him warm. He breathed out slowly and jerkily as he allowed his frigid muscles to relax. "Hey Crail," he mumbled, making a visible effort not to shiver as he spoke.

"Hey," I replied. "What happened? Or do you not want to talk about it?" I wanted to give him the same chance he had given me: to say "no."

He couldn't keep his chattering teeth still as he spoke a random string of words. "Flash bomb, Lockwood, hostage, cold, water, your mom, rope, Catholic school…" The mixed up jumble of words and phrases meant next to nothing to me. All I got from it was that Lockwood had water boarded my friends. And the perp was gonna pay. Big time.

I had one last question for him, one I wasn't sure if he would want to answer, but I went for it anyway. "Where's Jenny?"

Ryan had just started to relax under my arm, but as soon as I said his fiancée's name he tensed back up again.

"Sorry," I said. "Shouldn't have asked." This was starting to feel like a warped version of the other night.

"Dumped me," he said softly, but with a trace of bitterness in his voice. "Yesterday. For someone else."

I didn't know what to think. I had heard about Ryan and Jenny, seen him text her every half an hour to tell her that she was safe. Why any girl would want to leave this caring, funny, smart, devoted, amazing, handsome, and intelligent detective was beyond me. But I snapped out of my thoughts to take care of that detective.

I kept my arm around him as I replied. "She doesn't know what she's missing out on. No other guy could possibly compare to someone who loves her as much as you do."

His head dropped onto my shoulder, and I rested mine on top of his, silently marveling at how perfectly they fit together.

"I was getting ready to spend the rest of my life with her," he said dejectedly. "She said 'yes!' Why would she say 'yes' if two weeks later she was gonna dump me?"

He was probably asking the world in general, but I answered anyway. "Maybe she got scared of becoming a cop wife. I know I haven't been able to keep a boyfriend since high school, just because they're afraid of what I do."

"We've been going out for so long! Why, after a year and a half of knowing what I do every day, would she choose the time when we were planning our wedding?" He had a lot to get out of his system, so I figured I would be here for a while to talk to him. Strangely, I didn't mind staying there at all.

"Because girls are stupid," I said quietly, yet firmly. As I talked I realized that my hand had started to gently stroke his arm. Not for warmth, just to comfort him. "We over- think things. As soon as she started to imagine your wedding, she started to imagine your marriage, how it would play out. My guess is that one of the scenarios she created in her head was of your death. Of her, widowed, maybe with children who wouldn't have a father. And once a girl gets something into her head, she can't get it out."

"Why didn't she tell me?" he lamented. "I could've helped!"

"No you couldn't have," I said. "You would only have reassured her about your safety, not your love."

"Huh?" Ryan almost exclaimed. "What does my love have to do with anything?"

I knew this conversation was going to get awkward really fast, so I chose my words very carefully. "What a girl needs to hear in this situation is: 'I'll love you forever and ever, and as a long as you love me too, everything else will work itself out.'"

"Is it too late to say that now?" he asked, suddenly hopeful.

"Yes," I said slowly. "But it's never too late to tell her you love her and want to marry her. If she says 'no' to you again, you have to accept that, though." I felt the warning was necessary, since I knew he was going to go find Jenny as soon as he could.

"Okay," he said carefully. "So I find her, tell her I love her, and ask her to take me back, but if she says no, I have to let her walk away?" I could almost see him tentatively considering my advice and his plan.

"Don't script it," I told him. "It has to come from your heart, not from your brain."

"Got it," he said with a slight nod of his head. "Thanks for the advice. You're the best."

After that, I got up and walked away from the flashing lights of the ambulances and squad cars. As I left, I wondered why I didn't want Jenny to take Kevin back.

**I feel like this chapter was half decent half awful. Was it too much? The whole "the sound of my approaching footsteps stirred him from his trance-like state" is starting to freak me out. Is it the corniest thing you've ever heard? As you can tell, I'm very insecure about my writing. And let me tell you, chapter 6 already has me in a nervous breakdown…**

**Anyway, hope you liked it. Y'all rock. Oh, and one more insecurity. "That perp was gonna pay. Big time," was purposeful. I do want her to sound like a cross between a southerner and a cop. You'll find out why in chapter 6. Oh gosh… chapter 6. **


	5. Chapter 5

**I'm going to start of this chapter like I've started off what seems like every one: I'm sorry. I really and truly am. You see, this story was pretty much entirely inspired by one person. I used portions of his personality, heck, I even used his name. And this person and I just had a fight. I've had this chapter ready for a long time in a handwritten format, but I couldn't even bring myself to type it, it reminded me so much of him. So, now that he and I are friends again, I can write this. Hopefully, this won't be an issue again. This one's for phnxgrl, I really appreciated your questions! **

Walking into work the next, day I found an almost empty precinct. Well, I guess that's a lie, but the lack of Rand and Espo made it seem that way. Last I heard, Ryan was being held overnight at the hospital and Esposito was at home "resting." In other words, he was with his Lanie.

I saw Beckett, back at her usual position staring at the murder board. The intense look on her face told me that the coffee Castle was getting her from the break room was not going to be consumed.

I wasn't surprised that the sound of me slinging my bag over my chair didn't disturb her staring contest with the white board. Her love for the boys was making her want to solve whatever new case she was working. I almost felt sorry for the killer, 'cause he was going to get hurt real bad. Grumpy Beckett was scary. Almost all of Homicide avoided her when she was like this, Castle being the exception. The guy never seemed to know when to just leave her alone. Or maybe he just knew how much she would let him get away with.

I turned on my desktop and opened my email. "Good grief," I thought. Twenty new messages since yesterday. I slowly went through them, oldest to newest, systematically forming a to-do list from my inbox. Most of them seemed to be "thank-you"s for help that I had given on a case.

About half way through, I realized that the rest were all from the same sender: a cell phone number that I vaguely recognized, but couldn't place. I opened the oldest one from 7:30 this morning, then relaxed when I realized it was Ryan. It said:

_Hey crail, it's ryan on my phone. Wanted to thank you for the advice and tell you that I'm on my way to jenny's place now. Got checked out 7. _

I opened the next one.

_Standing in front of the building, trying to make myself go in. _

I clicked faster.

_In the elevator going up. What am I supposed to say? _

I chuckled a little bit, and opened up the next one, sent thirty seconds later.

_I love you and want to marry you. Right, I got this. _

I swallowed hard, and then had a sudden doubt over what I wanted the outcome of their conversation to be.

_I'm going to do it. _

_Maybe I shouldn't. _

_No, I'm gonna. _

_Okay, I'm going to knock now. _

After that, there were no more texts. I checked my watch: it said 8:30. The last one had been sent 45 minutes ago.

I hit reply on his most recent message.

_What happened? _

I waited for ten minutes, fiddling with my pen and buzzing my lips, all signs that I was incredibly bored and impatient.

What felt like an eternity later, I got a response. It was a single word:

_No. _

I sat back in my desk chair and stared at the monitor for a moment, trying to figure out what emotion to feel first. I settled for easy: exasperation. "Dumb blonde," I thought, swirling my straight chestnut hair around my index finger. "Maybe he should go for a brunette next time."

I snapped out of that train of thought and got to work. If I was going to end my shift early today, I was going to have to get ahead now.


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey guys! Thanks for waiting. As always, I'm starting out with a justification of why I didn't post quickly! This chapter has had me literally a nervous wreck. I tell you guys so much about Ashley's past and where she's going, and I was scared that there are questions that need to be answered that won't get answered in this chapter, and that I would say too much and ruin the rest of the story… the list of things that could go wrong in this chapter is too long for me to say. However, I think that I've done the right amount to keep the story going without giving away too much. **

**Again, I would like to thank my awesome faithful reviewers! Every chapter is dedicated to a specific person, but for this one I just couldn't decide! There are so many wonderful people who have made this story what it is. There's Sahana who listens to my rants about how stressed I am over this, there's niagraweasel who I love so much! You've been such an amazing help through everything! For me, there's usually a single person who shaped that particular chapter to make it what it was. This time, there were too many to do just one! Sahana, niagra, phnxgrl, ncisbonessuperfan, the list some random guys in one of my classes, the list keeps going! Thank you all! You know who you are, and now you know how much I love you! **

For the second time in three days, I found myself outside of co-worker's apartment. Only this time, I was almost too nervous to knock on the door. I told myself to do it anyway, and, before I could think about what it was about to happen, I reached out and knocked. Kevin appeared on the other side a few seconds later.

He looked miserable. He was way past crying; instead of tears, he had a distant, almost glazed, look in his eyes. Some people would have said he was drunk, but I knew better. He was simply too depressed to function.

"Hey," I said. When he didn't respond, I held up the plastic shopping bag in my hand. "I brought ice cream!"

He cracked a tiny smile, and stepped out of the way of the door. "Come on in."

I stepped into his apartment and looked around. It was a cross between a dorm room and the precinct. I saw cold pizza and file folders, Chinese take-out and mug shots. I figured he had been throwing himself into his work since Jenny left him the first time.

I decided not to mention it.

He waved his hand towards a red couch in front of the TV and behind a wooden coffee table. I cleared some space on the table and set down the ice cream.

I heard Kevin moving around in the adjoining room, which I figured was the kitchen. When he came back into the living room, he was carrying two huge bowls and a couple spoons.

He sat down, and I started to dish out the ice cream. We sat there eating it in a possibly companionable, possibly awkward silence; I couldn't figure out which.

We took our respective bowls of ice cream and sat back on the couch. "How are you doing?" I asked tentatively.

"I've definitely been better," he responded with another small smile.

"I figured," I said. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," he responded.

About three seconds later, he burst out: "When I went there, I knocked on her door, and I said it. I told her I loved her and that I want to marry her, and she turned me down. She literally said that we weren't meant to be together, and that I should get over her. Just last week, she told me that she loved me! Was she lying to me the whole time? And if she was, how many other people have been keeping things from me?"

His last sentence made me feel guiltier than I thought was possible. He had opened up to me over and over again, and I wasn't telling him this. I was one of the people who had been keeping this from him. And I needed to tell him. I was pretty sure he would understand, and even if he didn't, I owed him this much. So I did it; I took a deep breath, and I told him what I had never told another soul.

"Listen, Ryan. I need to talk to you. I realize that we haven't exactly known each other long, but you opened up to me, and I lied to you. I feel bad about it, and it's been bugging my ever since. So I'm gonna set the record straight.

He flinched after I said the last few words, and I wondered what part of that had hurt him, but he recovered quickly enough to protest. "You don't owe me anything. If you don't want…"

I cut him off. I felt myself lean forward as I said "No. I _want_ to. I haven't talked about this for ten years and I think you'd understand, and I realized this morning that if I don't open up to somebody right about _now_ I might literally go crazy!" Somehow it all came out in one breath.

He nodded, and I was surprised to see that he didn't seem at all fazed by this outpouring of emotion.

"Remember a couple days ago, when I was working super late, even though I didn't have to?" He nodded again, so I continued. "I wasn't actually working. I was looking…" I stopped. A part of me had become suddenly and deathly afraid of telling Kevin. I told that part of me to shut up. "at Kelly's case file."

"Who's Kelly?" Kevin asked, half curious, have clueless.

"My little sister," I said softly. I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I blinked them away as quickly as I could, not wanting Kevin to see how weak I was. "She was murdered when she was eighteen."

"What happened?" Kevin asked. He was quiet, almost…reverent.

"She was…shot. In the back. Twice," I said bitterly. I gave up on getting rid of the tears; they were coming down to fast to blink off.

"Did the police have any suspects?" Kevin asked. I knew he had a huge amount of faith in the force, so I figured this was his last hope in the performance of the detectives who worked Kelly's case. I dashed them with my next statement.

"They never bothered," I replied with ten years worth of bitterness in my voice. "They didn't even tell us that after two weeks they were marking her case cold. They never called back when we left messages to ask questions. We never heard from them again after the initial interview."

"Unbelievable," Kevin muttered. "Where was this?"

"Queens," I replied. "Where I grew up."

"I'm so sorry," Kevin said. I guess since he was done marveling at the cruelty of some cops in this town, he was moving on to making me feel better. "You and she were close?"

"Very," I said. "She was my best friend. We told each other everything. From the day she was born, everything we did was together. She helped me get ready for prom; I helped her. We were less like older and younger sisters and more like twins."

As soon as I finished, I started to cry in earnest. I had never told anyone about this part of my life. I was afraid he would think I was weak or stupid. These fears were all irrational, as proven by his actions. He put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me tightly. He gently pushed my head down onto his shoulder and swayed back and forth like a mother does with her crying child. We stayed like this until I had stopped sobbing and could talk.

"Shh," he hushed. "It's okay. You know why?" I shook my head into his shoulder. "Because every day you're keeping this from happening to others. You make sure we call everyone back, and if we don't, I'm guessing you do. You have made absolutely sure that what happened to you and Kelly never happens again."

"But it's not enough," I whispered. "I didn't do it for her." My voice got louder and louder as my anger with myself grew worse and worse. "Her killer is out there somewhere, free. He hasn't seen justice, and until he does, nothing I do will ever be enough."

Kevin said nothing. He just held me like that for a long time.

While we were sitting like that, I started thinking. When I decided that I would start looking into Kelly's case in my spare time, I also decided that no one could ever know about her murder. It was too complicated; to painful. I had come into Kevin's apartment doubting my ability to tell my own story. "It's complicated," was what I thought I would say. But at that moment, I started to realize that it wasn't so complicated after all.

I took another deep breath and stirred from my relaxed position on his surprisingly comfortable shoulder. I smiled up at his face, and he turned towards me. Our eyes met and he smiled. "Thank you, Kevin," I said. "for just letting me cry."

His blue eyes looked straight into my green. "Anytime…" His eyebrows formed a confused frown across his face.

"What?" I asked, suddenly apprehensive. I didn't know why I was scared of what he could say, but suddenly, all my fears and insecurities came rushing back.

"It's nothing," he replied. I looked at him with what I imagined was a Beckett-like expression of incredulity. When he saw how I was looking at him, he quickly revised his statement. "It's just that I don't know your first name!"

I smiled. I shouldn't have stressed.

"It's Ashley."


	7. Chapter 7

**I really have nothing to say in my defense. All I can say is that I've already started the rough draft of my next chapter, so it should take less than a year to finish. ;)**

I let the door of my apartment close on its own and headed straight for the couch. I grabbed the remote and the ever-present bowl of candy from the end-table, flopped down on the sofa, and hit the power button.

Dunking my hand into the bowl, I watched as yet another celebrity embarrassed herself on camera while my mind wandered to other things.

I thought about how long I'd waited to tell someone about Kelly. It had been ten years since her death, and nobody in my new life knew about her.

That got me thinking about my whole "new life" idea. Was it really such a good plan to cut myself off from my childhood? The only people from back then who I talked to were my parents, and even them I only saw sporadically.

I thought back to a month after the police showed up at our door. I had been so fed up, so sick and tired of those dumb detectives, so done with the way my life was.

My parents had wanted me to be a doctor so that I could support the family; Mom and Dad were both teachers, and we didn't have much money. But I didn't want to be a doctor. I wanted to be a public defender. I was working 3 part-time jobs totaling 60 hours a week, saving up for NYU pre-law. Kelly was my rock; when I didn't want to go to work, she would take my by the hand, look me straight in the eyes, and say "Do you want it?"

"Yes."

"Then go get it."

After the murder, I got up for a different reason. I got up because I was saving for the Police Academy and a Criminal Justice degree. I was getting up to give my sister what she deserved.

Soon, I was off to Georgetown University in Washington D.C. I spent summers with a friend from Northern Virginia, and for Easter and Christmas my parents visited me. I spent Thanksgiving alone in my apartment, eating Kelly's favorite foods, watching Kelly's favorite movies, and doing Kelly's favorite things.

After I graduated I worked for a summer, and then headed to the Academy. Sitting there on the couch, I remembered the feeling I had had walking through the doors on my very first day. I saw it like it was happening right then. "These are the people who will help me finish what I started" I had thought. It was the greatest feeling in the world. I had a back-up system of people who cared about me and what I was trying to do.

I graduated from the Academy and went to the NYPD. I was a rookie, but I tried hard. I knew it wouldn't be what I expected. I knew that I needed to tough it out and go with the flow until I actually knew what I was doing.

I was cut-loose, but stuck around at the same precinct. About a year after that I went to the…

_I was still lying on the couch, but this time I wasn't alone. Kelly was sitting next to me, smiling the way she used to, the way that told me that she knew exactly what I was thinking. _

"_Kelly!" I practically shouted. I leaned forward, reaching to hug her for the first time in ten years. She hugged me too, but something about the way she did told me there was something else going on. _

"_What's wrong?" I asked. "Why aren't you happy to see me?" I was hurt that she didn't seem to care. _

"_I am!" she said. "It's just that I wish it wasn't necessary." _

_I guessed I looked as confused as I felt because she hastily continued. "I was sent to help you."_

"_I don't need help," came my automatic response. It was the one I always gave when someone offered. _

"_Yes, Ashley, you do," she said firmly. She was still just as stubborn as she had been alive. "You let my death take over your life. You became the kind of person you thought I would want you to be, and in the process you cut yourself off from who you really are."_

"_I was trying to find your murderer!" I exclaimed. She was sounding like the people who "meant well" but didn't really understand. Who "wanted what's best," but didn't know what it was like to lose a sister. _

"_I understand that Ash, I really do, and I appreciate it so much, but it's taken over your life!" She was almost as agitated as I was. _

"_It's not all that I think about, you know," I said in an attempt to get her to give me a break. "I do other stuff." _

_"That's not what I'm talking about," Kelly responded, suddenly calm and patient, almost like you would talk to a five-year-old having a tantrum. Strangely, I didn't mind. _

"_Then what are you talking about?" I asked. _

"_You've been so busy 'working,' that you're completely ignored what's right in front of your face!" She was getting irritated again. I assumed it was because of how "dense" I was being. _

_But it still hadn't clicked yet. "What's right in front of my face?" I was curious to find out the reason for all of this. _

"_LOVE!" she shouted. _

"_What are you talking about? Who am I in love with?" I didn't realize until later how ridiculous that must have sounded. _

_I was trying so hard to figure out who she was talking about that I didn't realize that Kelly was slowly drifting away, her whole form dissipating into thin air. _

_She started to wave good bye. I reached out to try and catch her quickly disappearing hand, but my fingers went straight through hers. _

_I couldn't bear to see her go, not again, and definitely not so soon after she had arrived. _

_But Kelly still had one more thing to say. _

"_Kevin!" _

_And she disappeared. _

I woke up with a start. The dream was fresh and clear in my mind.

I'm in love with…Kevin.

The more I thought about it, the more sense it made. The strange need to be around him, the wanting to say at work longer so I could talk to him, all because I was in love.

I sent a silent prayer to Kelly thanking her for her message, then leaned back on the couch to figure out what I was going to do with this newfound piece of information.


	8. Chapter 8

I didn't get a lot of sleep after that. I stayed on the couch, staring at the ceiling, thinking about Kelly's message. It wasn't exactly conducive to rest.

I came to work late the next morning, a first for me. I got a funny look from Espo, and a concerned glance from Beckett. She looked like she was going to come over and talk to me, which I really didn't want, but Ryan focused them back on the case in front of them. I appreciated the effort, but I still felt crappy.

I sat down at my desk and, just like usual, went looking for sticky notes, emails, voicemails, and texts to find work orders. All the normal channels were suspiciously empty. Again, I suspected that Ryan was telling people not to bug me. This time he really did make me feel better.

Since I didn't have as many things to do, I decided to use the rest of my shift to go back over Kelly's file. I logged on to the database of cold cases and typed in Kelly's name. When my computer finally decided to actually load the page, I found something really weird. There was recent activity apart from mine on the file. I clicked on the information to find out more. I looked closely and read: "File requested by Detective Kevin Ryan, Homicide Division, 12th precinct.

I slammed my mouse around to click the X button and got up so quickly that my chair slammed back into the desk behind me. I took nothing with me, just stood up and went straight for the elevator.

I hit the button, pounded it really. It didn't open for me. I hit it again, stupidly expecting the elevator to speed up. Unable to wait the remaining two floors before it arrived, I ran for stairs.

I ran down the first flight, then collapsed on the landing. I curled up in a ball in the corner, and the tears started to come thick and fast. I felt myself falling away, succumbing to a mental replay of the most painful scenes of my life. Kelly's broken body on the ground. My parents waving goodbye to me as I went off to the Academy. Kelly's funeral. I couldn't conjure any memories of Kelly to pull myself out of it.

I just felt so violated. I had opened up and he had gone behind my back. I didn't want his help. He should know that.

I had to do this alone.


End file.
